<p>Let&rsquo;s look at another listening muscle: Delayed Listening.</p>
<p>In mediation and conflict resolution training we are taught about the “Four Tongues” and the “Four Ears”. That&rsquo;s something we&rsquo;ll examine at a later date. But one of the overriding premises is that what we hear depends largely upon our mood and the situation. Ergo, we hear the words, but not necessarily the message.</p>
<p>Delayed listening helps minimize misunderstands and miscomprehension. It gives us a second chance to properly interpret and to react appropriately.</p>
<p>The first thing to remember about delayed listening is not to react instinctively. Our instincts are instantaneous. Most professionals have been exposed to the “Flight or Fight” concepts. But we don&rsquo;t want to react immediately. Easier said than done, right?</p>
<p>We should be in the habit of carrying a pen and a small pad of paper with us at any negotiation. Regardless of its simplicity or complexity, what we most want to write down are:</p>
<ul>
<li>things we don&rsquo;t understand</li>
<li>things we don&rsquo;t agree with</li>
<li>things we don&rsquo;t accept as factual</li>
<li>things we find insulting or hurtful</li>
</ul>
<p>We already talked about Active Listening and ways to get the other party to simplify his or her points. As for things we find offensive, there is nothing wrong with writing down what we think seems to be an attack or disrespectful… whether we think it was deliberate or inadvertent.</p>
<p>This defuses some of our anger and allows us to review what was just said with a more even-tempered mind. First, we will have reduced a disrespectful attack or insult to just another strategic point we wrote down. Second, by writing and continuing to listen, a few more seconds pass before we respond.</p>
<p>Don&rsquo;t forget, the most factual or revealing information from the other party often follows a verbal attack or putdown. So we should try to prolong that time following the other party&rsquo;s aggressiveness by posing more questions to precisely extract information he or she feels most supports their position.</p>
<p>It is also wise to schedule regular break intervals or excuse ourselves for a nature call. If the other party has really pushed one of our buttons, the pause will allow us to take those deep breaths and count to ten. Either way, the results will be infinitely better than had we instinctively over-reacted.</p>
<p>Yeah, listening… and even reading about listening… can be boring. But that, too, is just our instinct.</p>